Somewhere Different

As we stepped out of the airport, the sight of purple mountains in the distance greeted us, reaching up suddenly from the flat, red earth that stretched out in every direction. The sun was setting, adding to the crimson glow of the land around us, as we waited for the bus to take us into the city centre.

We caught the bus to the Medina, the bustling old quarter of Marrakech, Morocco. It was fully dark by the time we arrived, and to reach the inner workings of streets and alleyways where our hostel was located, we crossed Jamaa el Fna, a large square which is apparently the busiest plaza in Africa. My head swivelled back and forth as my senses were seized by the myriad colours, lights, sounds and smells around me. Clusters of bejewelled candle holders glimmered with flames within; groups of drummers and other musicians played rhythmic songs from within tightly-knit circles of observers; mysterious glowing objects in various neon colours leaped up into the air and floated back down (what were those things?!).

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There were stands and shops selling everything from dried fruits to cells phones, piles of colourful, fragrant spices to silver jewellery, incense and perfumes to sunglasses. There were also wandering salesmen, offering shoeshines and cigarettes, and wandering saleswomen too, targeting other women to have their hands decorated with henna. One tried to offer me a “free sample” with a surprising amount of force, and I had to give quite a tug to free my hand. Every once and a while a man would whisper “hashish” as he passed us by. We could hear the call of “Salam! Hola! Bonsoir! Hello!” coming from every direction, and see the waving hands and smiles of what felt like every city dweller trying to sell us something. “No, no, shukran (thank you)!”, we would call back, and continue walking, as many people kept on calling while others switched tactics and enthusiastically entreated us to come back “tomorrow” or “next time!”


Every time we pulled out our blurry little map print-out, lacking the names of most small streets, someone would offer to help us, but we were too paranoid to accept—having heard that help never comes for free—and so promptly got lost. Our hostel host had emailed us directions as well, but just one confusing sentence threw us off the scent early on and had us wandering nervously up and down the wrong street, looking for a side lane that wasn’t there. Too narrow for cars, scooters whizzed through the pedestrian crowds at dangerous speeds, and we quickly learned to get out of the way at the sound of any approaching put-put-put. The overwhelming smell of two-stroke exhaust billowed in the wake of each moped, making me cough, while my backpack straps were digging into my shoulders and my hands were cramping up from gripping my purse so tightly. We were both getting more nervous, overwhelmed, and hungry, taking it out on one another in snappy, anxious bursts. At last I worked up the courage to dust off my long-neglected French in order to ask for directions, and a friendly woman in a shop helped us get back on track.

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Twenty minutes later, we had found our hostel, dumped our bags, and set out once more to find a restaurant recommended by our host which did excellent veggie tajines. We sat on a rooftop terrace bundled in our coats and sweaters, looking out over the non-stop bustle of Jamaa el Fna down below, sipping mint tea and munching tajine and couscous.

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Despite feeling much better with the help of our dinner, we were both exhausted and went to bed early that night. The next day I felt more resilient, though I still found myself rather nervous while dodging motor bikes and saying “No, shukran, non, merci,” and shaking my head a hundred times a day. I find it hard enough to say no at the best of times, so it was quite exhausting. We soon realised, however, that despite the intensity of the sales pitch, people were quick to smile, and some were quite happy to help without asking anything in return, such as the shopkeeper who gave us a small bag of salt for free because we didn’t want to buy a large container.

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The Medina is full of crooked, winding alleys, both open-air and covered bazaars (called souks), and the commercial areas are always packed with locals, tourists, mopeds, donkeys, etc. But as soon as you take a side street off one of the main alleys, you leave the din behind. Our hostel was located but a moment’s walk from one of the main souks, but we couldn’t hear any of the commotion from there. We usually spent a portion of the afternoon on the rooftop terrace, enjoying the sunbathed peace and quiet, and later watching the sun sink behind a the tower of a mosque in the west. The colours spilled out over Marrakech’s low skyline, and as darkness deepened, we heard the first call to prayers ring out. Morocco is a Muslim country and the call to prayers sounds at least five times a day from the loudspeakers fixed to the top of each mosque tower. It is impressive to hear the call from below and see people file into the prayer halls, removing their shoes as they enter, but to hear it from the top of a roof is something else entirely. From the ground, you really only hear the call that is closest to you; from the same level as the towers themselves, you hear all of them at once, as they boom and echo out of sync like wolves calling to each other around the city. Deep male voices chant the call in a cascade of sound; one starts, then another, and soon they are all resounding in a powerful wash of eerie yet enchanting notes from every direction, until only a few are left, then one last call all on its own, and then silence again.

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We left Marrakech on Saturday morning, ambling comfortably through Jamaa el Fna, quite a contrast to the anxious manner of our arrival. The square is just as busy by day, simply lacking in the eye-catching contrast of glowing lights against the darkness. On the other hand, the sunlight reveals other sights, such as snake charmers with suspiciously docile cobras and rattlesnakes at their feet, and rows of orange juice stands that shine brighter by the light of day. There are 63 orange juice stands in total (they are numbered), and all the juice men call and smile and wave at you to buy their juice as you walk by. The prices are exactly the same in each stand, and they all offer fresh orange, lemon, grapefruit and pomegranate juice, so you often just end up going to whichever one is closest to you, keeping your eyes averted as you disappoint the vendors on either side of your chosen stand. But I have a hard time saying no, as I said, so we would have a juice at one stand only to have another one a little further along (and sometimes a third on the other side of the square).

That last morning, mulling over which orange juice stand(s) to patronize, I reflected on how grateful I was to have had the opportunity to experience this city.  Morocco is probably the most different country I have ever been to, compared to my homeland, although sometimes its market culture reminded me of Central America. One hears a lot of fearful news about the Muslim culture these days, and I don’t appreciate the prejudice that permeates much of it. However, I couldn’t help notice how nervous we both were at the beginning of our sojourn in Marrakech. Despite our aims to be critical thinkers, the fear had weaseled its way in and made us a little paranoid. Spending time in a Muslim country reminded us that the vast, vast majority of Islam followers are simply going about their own business and leaving others to go about theirs, just like the majority of people in any country around the world. Most of us just want to take care of our families, earn our living, enjoy time with our loved ones, eat good food, share a laugh, etc, and no culture deserves to be demonized because of the unbalanced few who violate the lives of others. A few days in Morocco was not only a very rich sensory experience, but a reminder that humans often react to difference with fear; however, a bit of patience not only reveals that there is not nearly as much to fear as we originally thought, but also that we’re not nearly as different.

Ready or Not, Here I Come

I’m dreaming of a place I knew
with red arbutus bark cracked and peeling
writing ancient messages with modern pens
imagining the pens were feathers
dipped in ink

I’m remembering a forest I loved
filled with faeries and elves
English-speaking animals who were my friends
trees that spoke softly in my head
in perfect sync

I loved those days
Playing in the waves for hours
Dancing round the living room to the Nutcracker
Dreaming up games with magical powers
I loved those days

I’m thinking of a time I knew
when fear had a shape I could name
the sound of the waves so loud on the beach
it must be dinosaurs on their way
so run and hide

I’m reflecting on a song I loved
that could vanquish almost any fright
warm hands that tucked me safely out of reach
of all glowing eyed monsters and the tricks
they always tried

I loved those days
Imagination gave vivid life to fears
Sometimes they ran wild but they could be healed
With touch and a sweet wash of tears
I loved those days

I’m longing for a time I knew
when life was more simple and free
the days smiled easily both wild and kind
no need to rush off, time was
gentle and slow

I’m wishing for a time I loved
awakening untamed each morning
with no unnamed beast inside my mind
spurring me onward, though where
I never quite know

I loved those days
Joy bloomed unchoked by invasive species
It blossomed at everything and nothing
My self felt whole and not in pieces
I loved those days

Yes I loved those days
when no formless shadows
at the edge of my thoughts
gathered like rainclouds

Better do something

Yes I loved those days
when no tugboat engine
whirring loud and hot
filled me with pressure

Better do something

Do something
get something done
but nothing is ever enough

Be someone
a race to be run
but time is never enough

I’m dreaming of a place I knew
where climbing a tree cracked and peeling
was a matter of deep satisfaction
the thrill of climbing higher over bark
so smooth and rough

I’m remembering a forest I knew
where I danced like the sun through the leaves
to love life was a natural reaction
alone with the beautiful earth, just being me
was enough

I loved those days
The limitlessness of the mind
The heart and body’s love of play
We are earthlings free and wild
We knew this magic as a child
And I will search until I find
The heart-deep urge to say
I love these days
I love these days

Moving Through

This blog post—if it ever gets written—has been one of the tougher pieces I have come up with for this website. To be honest, it often feels tough to put something together that I feel comfortable allowing eyes other than mine to see, but these sentences mark my fourth attempt at this writing this post. Having discarded the first three, once again the glaring question raises its head as I stare at a mostly blank Word document: what now?

I do not know where I am going with this. I know, however, that I missed putting anything up last week because everything I wrote just didn’t work. Something was missing.

I have read in several books on writing that if a piece lacks heart it shows immediately. There needs to be some real human emotion behind the words to give it a pulse. Even in fiction, something has to be at stake for the author, that allows him or her to breathe life into the characters, that drives events into being in just the right moment, and makes the story that which it is. In other words, if the writer is avoiding something it will show, even in pieces that do not resemble his or her life whatsoever. Furthermore, you must have genuine interest. You cannot expect readers to be interested in what you have written if you are not.

I do not claim to always interest my readers or to consistently infuse what I write with pulse and passion, but I do aim to write authentically. Sometimes that is more challenging than others. The closer we get to deep fears, the more resistance builds. The closer I get to revealing dark and tender places inside me that still wince when touched, the more I suddenly find I don’t know what to write about. Writer’s block: an infuriating hurdle but also a very effective protection mechanism. There is no risk of revealing myself—and facing the fear of disapproval, rejection or indifference—if I don’t know what to write about.

But the truth is, this week I do know what I want to write about; I just don’t know how.

I don’t know how to write about death. Some of my earliest memories include death, although one may be an image I created upon hearing the story so many times, that has come to represent something that I feel more than remember. The effect of those early losses—of my great grandmother, from a stroke while she was dancing with me, and then my Gram, from cancer, a few months later—must lie at the root of my at-times frantic fear of losing loved ones. I remember times as a child running to my room to sob my heart out when either of my parents was late coming home, imagining all sorts of terrible accidents that could have taken them away from me. It has required patience, trust, conversation, therapy, awareness and simply time to come to the point where I can speak about this fear of loss calmly, without going to pieces.

When I was in grade 11, a wonderful teacher of mine died suddenly and unexpectedly. He was an excellent and creative educator, and a seemingly healthy and active father, husband and musician. He collapsed one day while going for a run and never woke up again. It was a sad shock, and I remember writing messages along with hundreds of other students in memorial of him, on a huge piece of paper that was taped along the hallway. Then a few days later we had an assembly to honour him, which finished off with photographs and some of his favourite music. This last part struck some deep chord in me and I lost it. I cried and cried, and could not stop. His wife was there and came over to comfort me. I remember thinking, it should be the other way around! Get it together! But I couldn’t. I missed my bus home and one dear friend stayed with me the whole time, as other teachers came up to me, compassionate but somewhat perplexed. They didn’t know we were so close, some said. We weren’t. I admired him and loved his classes, but I didn’t know him much better than most other students. It’s just there is this river of grief inside me, and when it is tapped, it surges up and overwhelms me. I must simply wait as it runs its course, until it recedes at last and calm returns. But even then I sense that somewhere inside it continues flowing, ready to surge up from the depths in response to this world’s sadness.

Just last week I discovered that a young man from my hometown took his life. We went to school together, for a few years in elementary and then in high school. He was very close with some of my best friends, and known by nearly everyone in the community thanks to his talent as a musician and environmental activist. I never knew him near as well as I would have liked, and in hindsight I wish I had said hi more often. Death makes everything look different in hindsight. If only this, if only that. And the shock and sadness of losing someone to depression adds a whole other layer, a deeper shade to the regret that death often initially gives rise to. Imagining the suffering that leads a person to end it all is awful.

He was not the first person I have known to commit suicide; sadly both one of my Dad’s best friends and his close cousin had their lives claimed by depression in late middle-age. Though there is no comparison in loss, there does seem to be another layer of remorse when hearing of the death of someone very young. In this mysterious world, every minute of every moment new life surges into being, and every minute life leaves. But every life is so precious, and one of the most basic human reactions to death is a shocked and surreal disbelief. We cannot contemplate the end of consciousness. It just doesn’t make sense. Maybe that’s because death is not the end, at least not for our essence. I hope not.

Whatever the case may be, I send my love and compassion for the families and friends grieving the loss of a loved-one, and do my best to honour the river that swells up inside my chest upon hearing such news. I hope too, with all my heart, that whatever happens to us after our lives end, it is filled with love, peace and belonging.

Everyday new life
Everyday new death
but every life is precious
as is every breath
Every loss is gaping
a chasm we must cross
Salty river of sorrow
among the stones and moss

The grief for the old
Flows deep and strong
but there is peace in deep water
and in having lived long
The water runs wild
when someone dies young
We cannot accept that
their song has been sung

Perhaps inside all of us
the sea of every loss
is kept
Entrusted by the universe
to guard each tear
ever wept

Could it also be that in each heart
the joy of every being lives?
The universe’s roots of love
The endless love that always gives

My heart opens to yours
And your heart
to mine too
We are made of the same
Ancient stardust
it’s true.

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